It’s after 2 a.m., and I can’t sleep. I don’t know why; maybe it’s because I’m restless right now. In fact, I’ve felt restless the past few weeks, waiting for something that doesn’t seem to be happening. I’m putting all my energy into the gym, going through my things and spending time with Leah, but that doesn’t seem to be enough.
I keep thinking about the past year, especially how much I’ve changed. I never used to be that party girl, and this past year has taught me a lot, as well as bringing a lot of embarrassing and hilarious moments. I went to the bars tonight, but I didn’t want to get that wasted. I feel like I’m over that part of my life right now.
I still really haven’t processed a lot of what has happened this past year, especially going from guy to guy. I think the most I have not been dating or talking to a new guy has been less than a few weeks in between each one. I’m over that now, and I’m finally ready to start something serious. Maybe I’m feeling this way because I just graduated and started applying for jobs. Sometimes, I feel like time is running out, and I’m not really sure what to do with the time I have now.
I want to believe in something better, in someone better, than my ex’s. But is that possible? Every guy seems to have some problem with him. He’s not over his old girlfriend, he has commitment/trust issues, doesn’t want to “grow up” yet or is only looking for a “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” thing. Whatever happened to relationships being relatively easy, with some challenges, but for the most part, happy and trusting. There seems to be so many problems these days, it’s impossible for some guys to commit. The simple “I-like-you-you-like-me-let’s-date,” thing is nonexistent anymore. I don’t see why guys are so afraid of commitment, especially college guys. Seniors are afraid of where they will be the next year, so I heard a lot of people not wanting to be in relationships for that reason, but I don’t believe in it.
Things aren’t supposed to be easy, especially relationships. But, if something unexpected and surprising comes along, why are guys so afraid of embracing this? A lot of guys want the unexpected, but when it comes to relationships, it’s the exact opposite. People need to be brave and try something new. We aren’t living unless we jump and take a leap of faith.
I think faith is also nonexistent today. People don’t believe in themselves or other people. Not every person is bad, and not every situation will end up horrible. I know I’ve took a lot of chances this year this guys and a lot of them have ended bad because they are afraid of commitment or didn’t want as much as I wanted in a relationship. But, I’m happy I took these chances though I ended up feeling like crap for a while in the end. It brought me closer to knowing what I want out of a guy and a relationship, but also it helped me test my strengths and weaknesses. I proved to myself I could get out of a rut, though the journey out was hard and painful.
People are afraid of rejection and failure. I am too, but that doesn’t stop me from putting myself out there. It’s all about confidence, and I know I have plenty of that. I don’t like being rejected, but I do it, too. Some people aren’t meant for you, but there are some worth giving a chance to. It’s just finding that confidence, trust and faith in yourself to give someone that chance.
I don’t know where these words came from. Maybe I miss writing my weekly column for the newspaper.
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